🔗 Share this article Those Words given by My Parent Which Helped Me during my time as a First-Time Dad "In my view I was just trying to survive for the first year." One-time Made In Chelsea cast member Ryan Libbey anticipated to cope with the difficulties of becoming a dad. But the truth soon proved to be "completely different" to what he pictured. Life-threatening health complications surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. All of a sudden he was pushed into acting as her main carer while also looking after their newborn son Leo. "I handled every night time, every change… every stroll. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan explained. Following 11 months he burnt out. It was a chat with his father, on a public seat, that helped him see he needed help. The simple phrases "You aren't in a good spot. You must get some help. In what way can I help you?" created an opening for Ryan to talk openly, seek support and start recovering. His situation is commonplace, but rarely discussed. While society is now more accustomed to talking about the stress on moms and about postpartum depression, far less attention is paid about the struggles fathers go through. 'It's not weak to seek assistance Ryan believes his difficulties are symptomatic of a broader failure to talk amongst men, who continue to hold onto harmful perceptions of manhood. Men, he says, often feel they must be "the rock that just gets smashed and stays upright every time." "It's not a sign of failure to seek help. I was too slow to do that soon enough," he adds. Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist who studies mental health before and after childbirth, notes men often don't want to acknowledge they're finding things difficult. They can believe they are "not justified to be seeking help" - particularly in front of a mother and child - but she emphasises their mental well-being is vitally important to the family. Ryan's conversation with his dad gave him the opportunity to request a break - taking a couple of days abroad, outside of the domestic setting, to see things clearly. He came to see he needed to make a adjustment to focus on his and his partner's feelings as well as the day-to-day duties of looking after a newborn. When he shared with Louise, he realised he'd overlooked "what she longed for" -reassuring touch and listening to her. Reparenting yourself' That insight has changed how Ryan perceives being a dad. He's now writing Leo letters each week about his feelings as a dad, which he hopes his son will read as he gets older. Ryan thinks these will enable his son better understand the language of emotion and understand his approach to fatherhood. The concept of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four. During his childhood Stephen was without reliable male parenting. Despite having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, deep-held emotional pain meant his father had difficulty managing and was "in and out" of his life, making difficult their relationship. Stephen says bottling up emotions resulted in him make "bad decisions" when in his youth to change how he was feeling, seeking comfort in substance use as a way out from the hurt. "You find your way to things that aren't helpful," he says. "They may briefly alter how you are feeling, but they will ultimately exacerbate the problem." Strategies for Getting By as a First-Time Parent Open up to someone - if you're feeling swamped, speak to a trusted person, your spouse or a professional what you're going through. It can help to lighten the load and make you feel more supported. Keep up your interests - continue with the activities that helped you to feel like the person you were before becoming a parent. This might be going for a run, meeting up with mates or playing video games. Look after the body - a good diet, physical activity and where possible, getting some sleep, all play a role in how your mental state is faring. Spend time with other new dads - hearing about their experiences, the challenges, and also the positive moments, can help to normalise how you're feeling. Remember that seeking help does not mean you've failed - prioritising you is the most effective way you can care for your household. When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen expectedly found it hard to accept the loss, having not spoken to him for years. In his current role as a parent, Stephen's resolved not to "repeat the pattern" with his own son and instead provide the safety and nurturing he missed out on. When his son starts to have a outburst, for example, they do "shaking the feelings out" together - processing the frustrations safely. Both Ryan and Stephen state they have become more balanced, healthier men because they acknowledged their issues, transformed how they express themselves, and figured out how to regulate themselves for their children. "I have improved at… dealing with things and managing things," says Stephen. "I expressed that in a note to Leo recently," Ryan adds. "I wrote, sometimes I feel like my purpose is to teach and advise you what to do, but actually, it's a exchange. I am understanding just as much as you are on this path."
"In my view I was just trying to survive for the first year." One-time Made In Chelsea cast member Ryan Libbey anticipated to cope with the difficulties of becoming a dad. But the truth soon proved to be "completely different" to what he pictured. Life-threatening health complications surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. All of a sudden he was pushed into acting as her main carer while also looking after their newborn son Leo. "I handled every night time, every change… every stroll. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan explained. Following 11 months he burnt out. It was a chat with his father, on a public seat, that helped him see he needed help. The simple phrases "You aren't in a good spot. You must get some help. In what way can I help you?" created an opening for Ryan to talk openly, seek support and start recovering. His situation is commonplace, but rarely discussed. While society is now more accustomed to talking about the stress on moms and about postpartum depression, far less attention is paid about the struggles fathers go through. 'It's not weak to seek assistance Ryan believes his difficulties are symptomatic of a broader failure to talk amongst men, who continue to hold onto harmful perceptions of manhood. Men, he says, often feel they must be "the rock that just gets smashed and stays upright every time." "It's not a sign of failure to seek help. I was too slow to do that soon enough," he adds. Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist who studies mental health before and after childbirth, notes men often don't want to acknowledge they're finding things difficult. They can believe they are "not justified to be seeking help" - particularly in front of a mother and child - but she emphasises their mental well-being is vitally important to the family. Ryan's conversation with his dad gave him the opportunity to request a break - taking a couple of days abroad, outside of the domestic setting, to see things clearly. He came to see he needed to make a adjustment to focus on his and his partner's feelings as well as the day-to-day duties of looking after a newborn. When he shared with Louise, he realised he'd overlooked "what she longed for" -reassuring touch and listening to her. Reparenting yourself' That insight has changed how Ryan perceives being a dad. He's now writing Leo letters each week about his feelings as a dad, which he hopes his son will read as he gets older. Ryan thinks these will enable his son better understand the language of emotion and understand his approach to fatherhood. The concept of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four. During his childhood Stephen was without reliable male parenting. Despite having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, deep-held emotional pain meant his father had difficulty managing and was "in and out" of his life, making difficult their relationship. Stephen says bottling up emotions resulted in him make "bad decisions" when in his youth to change how he was feeling, seeking comfort in substance use as a way out from the hurt. "You find your way to things that aren't helpful," he says. "They may briefly alter how you are feeling, but they will ultimately exacerbate the problem." Strategies for Getting By as a First-Time Parent Open up to someone - if you're feeling swamped, speak to a trusted person, your spouse or a professional what you're going through. It can help to lighten the load and make you feel more supported. Keep up your interests - continue with the activities that helped you to feel like the person you were before becoming a parent. This might be going for a run, meeting up with mates or playing video games. Look after the body - a good diet, physical activity and where possible, getting some sleep, all play a role in how your mental state is faring. Spend time with other new dads - hearing about their experiences, the challenges, and also the positive moments, can help to normalise how you're feeling. Remember that seeking help does not mean you've failed - prioritising you is the most effective way you can care for your household. When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen expectedly found it hard to accept the loss, having not spoken to him for years. In his current role as a parent, Stephen's resolved not to "repeat the pattern" with his own son and instead provide the safety and nurturing he missed out on. When his son starts to have a outburst, for example, they do "shaking the feelings out" together - processing the frustrations safely. Both Ryan and Stephen state they have become more balanced, healthier men because they acknowledged their issues, transformed how they express themselves, and figured out how to regulate themselves for their children. "I have improved at… dealing with things and managing things," says Stephen. "I expressed that in a note to Leo recently," Ryan adds. "I wrote, sometimes I feel like my purpose is to teach and advise you what to do, but actually, it's a exchange. I am understanding just as much as you are on this path."